My name is Odinchezoihechukwumerelembaodighinchezo Iheanacho. I hail from the deepest center of Anambra and I am planning to move to Lagos to pursue celebrity status, but I don't know how to begin my hustle. This plan must work! I have already shouted at my mother and told her that I am the next Genevieve, so I cannot go back to her house. I am in the cyber cafe by the Ekenedilichukwu depot, and I am waiting for your reply. Please eh, fear is catching me. You must advice me.
Dear eh...eh Odin,
Don't be distressed. You came to the right place. I'm your woman...or should I say lizard (tee-hee-hee...I just tickled myself pink). No one is more qualified to give you advice on a life-changing decision than an intermittent blogger. Let me just give it to you straight. Lagos is not for the weak willed or lilly livered. You shouted at your mother, so evidently you have pluck and quick reflexes. Count yourself among a rare group of Nigerians that have talked back to their mothers and lived to tell the tale. Grab an empty bottle from the roadside, distill your effrontery, cap that sucker, get on the bus, and buckle your seat belt! Think on these things while you make your exodus into Lasgidi...
Fear ko, fear ni! Lagos girls don't have time for that trash! Next time "fear is catching you", catch that nonsense back!
Before you board the bus, find a petty trader and buy 50 naira salt. When you get inside the bus, take a generous pinch of that salt and rub it in your eyes. The first time you try it, it will almost kill you but you must persevere! Do it again and again until you have mastered the art of keeping your eyes open through the searing pain. If you cannot do that by the time you reach Lagos, please respect yourself and just go back to the village. Lagos is not for you.
If you want people to take you seriously, you have to shout at them! Oh, so you think that is harsh? ABEG SHUT UP MY FRIEND! People have been kidnapped in midday because they did not know how to shout! By the way, where is the salt I told you to buy? This girl, you are not serious oh!
Are you ready to reinvent yourself? See, I need to ask you this seriously because many girls like you have gone to Lagos and tried to be...authentic. I see them all the time wandering about with a wild, disillusioned look in their eyes, mourning the loss of yesterday's promises. You don't have time to play! Find the nearest mirror and take a long, hard look at yourself. Allow yourself a few sentimental moments, and then tell your reflection firmly, "Odinchezoihechukwumerelembaodighinchezo Iheanacho, it is time for you to disappear for the cause. Please don't disturb me anymore."